also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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