I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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