And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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