i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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