God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
