If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
