someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
