ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
