Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
