So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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