i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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