If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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