There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
