he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
