We got so high we made milksteak
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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