Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
