Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
