My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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