I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
