a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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