Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
