The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
