how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
