my vag is so smooth its legendary
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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