chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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