I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
