I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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