you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
