so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
