Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
