Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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