Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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