I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I love having hate sex.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
