Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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