Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
