i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
