Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
