I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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