He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
