i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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