My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
