I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
