The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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