he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
