i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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