I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
