I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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