Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
