I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
