Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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